This week, Steven Bartlett facilitated a critical and often intense conversation about a topic that affects us all but is often difficult to discuss: the struggles of young men in the modern world. He sat down with two leading voices offering distinct but overlapping perspectives:

1. Scott Galloway: NYU Professor, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and host of the Pivot and Prof G podcasts, known for his sharp analysis of business, tech, and society.
2. Logan Ury: Behavioral scientist, Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science, dating coach, and author of “How to Not Die Alone,” specializing in applying behavioral science to love and relationships.

They tackled the alarming statistics highlighted in the recent “Lost Boys” report from the UK’s Centre for Social Justice – declining education rates, higher unemployment, increased loneliness, and concerning mental health outcomes for young men – and explored the complex web of causes and potential solutions. This included diving deep into the modern dating crisis, the impact of changing gender roles, and the pressures facing both men and women today.

Trigger Warning: This conversation touches upon sensitive topics including suicide, sexual abuse, and societal pressures.

Here are the detailed key insights and takeaways:

1. The “Lost Boys” Crisis: Symptoms & Causes

• The Data: Young men (16-24) are increasingly NEET (Not in Education, Employment, or Training – up 40% in UK). Boys are falling behind girls academically at nearly every level. 70% of US valedictorians are female. Men face higher unemployment and are twice as likely to be suspended for the same infraction. 75% of suicides (UK & worldwide) are men.
• Root Causes Explored:
  • Loss of Male Role Models: The decline of two-parent households (especially father absence) is a critical factor. Boys in father-absent homes are far more likely to struggle academically, engage in crime, and have negative mental health outcomes.
  • Education System Mismatch: Classrooms often reward traits (sitting still, pleasing teachers) that may not align with typical young male energy. Lack of male teachers (only ~24%) means fewer role models in schools. Disappearance of vocational paths (wood/metal shop) removed traditional routes to middle-class stability.
  • Economic Shifts: Outsourcing and automation have impacted traditional male jobs. The economy increasingly rewards skills favored in higher education, where men are falling behind.
  • Lack of “Initiation”/Purpose: Traditional paths and milestones that once guided boys into manhood are less clear or available.

2. The Modern Dating Crisis: A Mating Gap & Paradoxes

• The Mating Gap: There’s a growing disconnect. Women, achieving more educationally and economically, still often seek partners with similar or higher status (hypergamy). With fewer men meeting these traditional benchmarks, many successful women struggle to find partners, while many men feel inadequate and opt out.
• Dating App Dynamics: Online dating, while connecting people, exacerbates the issue. Women tend to focus on a small percentage of high-status men (the “top 10%”), leading to intense competition for those men and leaving many other men (“bottom 90%”) feeling ignored and rejected.
• The Provider/Emotional Intelligence Paradox (Men): Men were traditionally raised to be providers. Now, women (often providers themselves) increasingly demand emotional intelligence and availability. Many men weren’t raised with these skills and struggle to adapt, feeling like the goalposts have moved.
• The Vulnerability Paradox (Women/Men): Women ask men to be more emotionally open, but societal conditioning (and sometimes personal reactions) can make men feel shamed or rejected when they do show vulnerability (“Men beg women to open up… then they can’t stomach it” – Brené Brown quote).
• Loneliness Epidemic: Both men and women are experiencing increased loneliness, but men often lack the strong social support networks women cultivate, making them more vulnerable when romantic relationships fail.

3. Addressing the Issues: Potential Solutions & Mindsets

• Need for Male Role Models: Crucial importance of positive male involvement in boys’ lives – fathers, stepfathers, uncles, teachers, coaches, mentors. Scott stressed the unique impact of “garbage time” – just being present randomly.
• Redefining Masculinity: Moving beyond toxic stereotypes towards a “modern/mature masculinity” – encompassing provider/protector/procreator instincts but also emotional intelligence, communication, and responsibility.
• Men’s Groups: Logan highlighted the rise and importance of men’s groups as spaces for men to connect, share struggles, hold each other accountable, and learn emotional skills outside of therapy’s potential stigma or cost.
• Teaching Relational Skills: Importance of teaching young people (especially boys) communication, conflict resolution, rejection resilience, and how to demonstrate kindness and effort in relationships. Scott’s “second coffee” rule – give someone a second chance if the first date was just “okay.”
• Focus on Effort & Character (Scott’s Advice to Young Men):
  • Provider: Assume responsibility to be economically viable.
  • Protector: Stand up for those weaker; default to protection.
  • Procreator: Desire connection and family (doesn’t have to be biological kids).
  • Show Up: Demonstrate discipline, good manners, reliability.
  • Kindness is the Secret Weapon: Treat everyone well, especially service staff.
• Taking Responsibility & Forgiving Yourself (Scott): Acknowledge past mistakes but forgive yourself. Recognize that challenges and failures are part of growth. Don’t get stuck in shame.
• Modulating Porn: Acknowledge the impact of easily accessible, high-novelty porn on motivation and real-world relating. Modulate use.
• Valuing Surplus (Scott): Aim to give more than you take in relationships and life (time, energy, support). Being a “net positive” builds value and attracts positive connections.

4. Broader Societal Context:

• Political Polarization: Both genders feel misunderstood. Political divisions often exploit these tensions. Scott noted the irony of the left advocating for female success while sometimes seeming to neglect the struggles of boys/men, potentially creating an opening for right-leaning figures.
• Decline of Institutions: The Weakening of traditional community structures (church, local clubs) leaves fewer places for connection and mentorship.
• Economic Pressures: Lack of economic growth (esp. in UK) limits opportunities for young people. The “winner-take-all” economy concentrates wealth and opportunity, leaving many behind.
• Need for Empathy & Nuance: Moving beyond simplistic narratives (men vs. women, left vs. right) to acknowledge the shared challenges and interconnectedness of these issues.

Final Thought:

This was a challenging but vital conversation. Scott Galloway and Logan Ury brought data, behavioral insights, and personal reflections to illuminate the complex factors contributing to the struggles of many young men today, and the knock-on effects for dating, relationships, and society as a whole. While the problems are deep-rooted, the discussion offered paths forward centered on individual responsibility, community building, empathy, redefining outdated roles, and equipping the next generation with the relational and emotional skills needed to thrive.

Listen to the full episode here: [Link to Episode]

Find Logan Ury’s work at loganury.com and Scott Galloway’s insights on the Prof G Pod and No Mercy/No Malice.

Until next time,
The Podcast Notes Team